Message In A Bottle
by cronaisawriter
Summary: The Doctor gets a bottle with a message from a past friend. The trouble is with as much past as The Doctor has, it can all be a bit much.


Message In A Bottle

_Cw: Alchohol Use, Past Character death, implied/referenced suicidal thoughts_

The TARDIS was meandering in the Time Vortex. They had a rough few days of action so they were taking a day in The Vortex where almost nothing could really attack them. She might have told them nothing could hurt them they looked tired.

The Doctor did too, of course, The Doctor did need sleep. Honestly respected sleep, it was a good thing. But it was also a bad time for her, in general life had been going pretty good but when it got quiet, it all got very loud.

Nightmares, she actually had them for her whole life. Afraid of the dark, not to mention never being loved by her family and not being good enough for the Academy, the Time Vortex, the Cloisters and that was just on Gallifrey. Of course, life had not exactly stopped giving her nightmare fuel. Daleks, Cybermen, forced regeneration, human experiments, genocide, war, her friends dying, planets burning, universes collapsing all crept into her mind at night. In other words, she never got a good night's sleep.

So instead of sleeping, and inviting in the past, she was messing with the console. The TARDIS was making little noises at The Doctor, telling her thief her opinion on everything, as she always did.

The Doctor smiled at this, the TARDIS was her best friend. The one thing that had been with her for most of those nightmare-inducing events, always the place she wanted to run to and run with. Her friends were the best of her, every single one of them, but the TARDIS was her home.

The TARDIS stopped its friendly wheezing and a knock sounded on the door. The Doctor felt her eyebrows do the scrunch thing and she pulled up the view screen, it was a bottle, like just a glass bottle how did that work? Now she wanted to know,

"What we think? let it in?" Thirteen said rubbing her hands together.

She didn't wait for her box to respond, this was weird, she loved weird.

Swirling space filled her view as she plucked the gas bottle in. Inside was an old disk, from a few consoles back, but TARDIS compatible. Not to mention turning it over she saw a wisp of paper reading "Doctor". So, for her, exciting. Two bits of mail very close together must be getting popular.

The Doctor went to the console and was keenly aware she no longer had the hardware on her counsel, so this was an old message. Now she'd have to go digging.

Wandering the halls she looked for either an old desktop backup or a spare parts room, had plenty of those. Doing so she remembered something, or almost remembered something like it was on the tip of her tongue. The message was old so was being addressed to one of her older faces. But it was still making her head spin and old memories and thoughts come up.

'Oh you really are thick' her thoughts supplied, making her mutter "stupid Doctor" at herself and the voice of judgment that always sounded a step out from her.

'Really can't remember anything anymore, typical' her mind supplied.

"Too much in my head." The Doctor muttered again

"Doctor!" Ryan shouted

The Doctor jumped out of her skin and turned around, all three of her current companions were apparently following her, wondered for how long now.

"Oh hi," The Doctor said smiling at her companions as best she could.

"What are we looking for?" Graham questioned.

"I have a bottle," The Doctor said waving it around.

"I can see that," Ryan said with a shrug.

"So I have to find one of my old console rooms, one with the round things in white." The Doctor explained and kept walking.

"Doctor, did you happen to drink the contents of the bottle?" Yaz questioned stepping in front of her.

"I'm not drunk" The Doctor defended

"Right, well wandering in circles talking to yourself, being drunk is kind of the best explanation," Graham replied leaning against the wall.

"I'm trying to find things, help me?." The Doctor said, more to the TARDIS than anyone else. And of course, now that she had made a fool of herself the door opened.

"Found it," The Doctor said proudly and spun showing off the console room, from before the eighth body at least.

"Wait this is like the front room yeah?" Yaz said walking to the console.

"Yes, and can be functional again if needed but right now we just need to be able to read an older file format."

"So the main room is an updated version of this?" Ryan asked.

"Basically, though to be fair most of it is cosmetic, from her getting a feel for us, or just wanting to show off." The Doctor explained pulling some wires around to get it to play on the view screen.

As she got it out of the bottle, she noted it was not a normal bottle. It could open up big enough to get it out. Cool, never seen this before.

"Message in a bottle" She explained handing the bottle to Yaz who placed it on the ground. The Doctor took the drive, and Graham interrupted.

"That's like an old school game cartridge." He laughed.

"Don't diss it, this is Gallifreyan tech." The Doctor said putting the cartridge in and hitting play.

"What tech?"

But Graham got no answer, the screen was filled with an older red-headed woman in a bright pattern dress.

"Hello Doctor," she said wiping tears from her eyes.

The Doctor stumbled back and the words, "Mel Bush", tumbled from her lips.

"It's been such a long time now, or not, I guess it may have been a really long time, ages for you." Mel laughed, "I really do miss you, even after the last time going a bit pear-shaped. I was angry, you played mind games with me. But I know the man I knew, and I know you're still him. I hope you have someone with you, keeping you safe, keeping you together. And remember sweets aren't a meal, not sure what the version of you now is like, I heard you changed your face again, a few times now I think.

The grapevine seemed to pick up after 2010, not sure why. Heard from a few people who knew an even older you. But that doesn't matter. I promised you'd I do this, so I am. Because I hope you're out there turning worlds better, saving lives, changing them. Hope you don't let it keep making you harder, loosen up and have fun.

Even if the universe can be a cruel and mean place, don't be a Valeyard or master right? You're The Doctor. The girl bopped the lens with her finger,

And be nice if someone's there with you, for me okay? Make them want to stay.

Oh, I do love you Doctor, goodbye."

The screen clicked off

Doctor you okay?" Yaz asked placing her hand on The Doctor's arm, brown eyes warm with concern.

"Yeah, I think so, you know." She shrugged.

"Who was that?" Yaz asked,"

"Melanie Bush, she travelled with me way back, thousands of years back."

"Wow, always forget you're so old," Ryan commented, earning him a glare from Graham and Yaz.

"I am so old Ryan, so so old." The Doctor agreed.

"She seemed very nice." Yaz gave her a reassuring smile.

"She was, very nice. To me and most people." The Doctor held in her hands, "I always mess up how do I always mess it up?" she said more to herself than the others.

"What happened Doc? " Ryan asked, "You know if you want to share."

"The last time we really saw each other, she told me she never wanted to travel in the TARDIS, because I'd lied to her about what was coming, why I wanted her to leave the first time on the Iceworld. And I got her roped into this mess with prisons, Eternals and creations of consciousness."

"Oh well, not sure I understood every word of that. But you ended on a bad row, it seems she was okay in the end, forgave you." Graham asked, "Isn't the good though, closure and all."

"She was good, spent a good portion of her life doing charity work. Saved her from some rough Sontarans, wanted revenge, don't know why they went after aid workers but whatever didn't have time to figure it out. Just wanted to see her."

"She fought with you for that?" Yaz asked.

"No, I said the last time we really saw each other. That was when I was dying, wanted my 'reward' it was, I was in pain. Wanted to see everyone I'd loved before, I was vain, selfish didn't want to go."

"No one wants to die Doc, when I thought I was dying, all I wanted was people I loved," Graham said.

"Wanting to see your friends isn't selfish." Ryan agreed.

"Thanks, guys, it's just like a ghost talking to me," The Doctor said walking towards the monitor, "Mistakes and good times. But I guess Mel was dependable, wanted to care about me, she'd keep her promises."

"Yeah Doc, remember the good stuff." Graham said, "The best right, keep it with you. What you told us."

"Of course' The Doctor turned to them with a smile, "Can you give me a minute though?"

"Sure Doc" Graham nodded.

Yaz came up to her and gave her a hug, The Doctor was a bit startled they hadn't really become a hugging fam very much.

Yaz gave The Doctor a nod and followed the boys out.

* * *

The Doctor turned to Mel and smiled, she took the cartridge putting it in the discarded bottle and took it into her room for companion's things, mausoleum, museum, or whatever it was. Passed the recently replaced Corsair message and walked to Umbrella's friends. Noticed a place that had one of Mel's bows and placed it in there. Under Peri, above Ace, she had a rather large drawer for her large life. Ace McShane, what had she made of her?

The Doctor looked up and down and broke. Being good, and kind, and laughing it had been her goal. But right now she didn't care about being The Doctor. She just wanted to be old and sad and bitter, and guilty, and ashamed, and wounded. Just an old battered Time Lady.

She walked from this room to her counsel room, she started banging on panels till one opened and River's whisky was there, but she shut it. Not River, not now, and definitely not the Lethbridge Stewarts. That was so much guilt and sadness, to mention the last time people drank it she had been contemplating Time Lord equivalent of suicide. Not going that dark tonight thanks, stuff those thoughts way to the back.

So she wandered to a room that functioned as a liquor cabinet, Bowtie hadn't liked the stuff, usually going for destroying property and/or putting himself in danger on bad days. But a bottle of hyper-vodka met her eyes and she smiled. She grabbed to bottles and went to the console room, it had so many ghosts they all blanked each other out, not personal to any of them.

She downed one whole bottle all alone, Time Lords had fast metabolisms and high tolerance. It was all the heart beating and thinking. No thinking, or at least not remembering, not working.

The second one disappeared as fast, maybe it would make her sleep, just at least sleep with nothing in her mind.

Not working, not enough. She thought and poured on more glass but her hand was caught causing her to flail out and saw it was Yaz's hand.

"This bottle I did empty on my own." She joked

Yaz did not seem to find her funny.

"What?" The Doctor asked.

No answer Yaz just stared at her with a look of judgment, with her other hand on her hip like a judgmental parent. Why was it Yaz's business?

" I can drink my own vodka, in my TARDIS, by myself if I feel like it. I'm old enough to be your messiah, I can make my own decisions. So just go. Go away where you won't get hurt." The Doctor's voice hit a tenor that made her age creep into the auditory world. Even if the power was dampened by the slight slur.

And Yaz looked hurt and very sad, she let The Doctor's hand go her eyes growing wide.

"Doctor, what are talking about?" Yaz asked her hands hit the floor sitting next to The Doctor.

"What are you talking about?" The Doctor mirrored.

"You say your fine and next thing I know you're trying to drink yourself to death."

"I'm not as fragile as you, I can handle this."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"You could have talked to me, or Ryan, or Graham."

"You don't understand."

"We don't understand loss?" Ryan snapped from the dark.

"Yes!" The Doctor stood up, "Exactly. When were you one of two people standing in the ruins of the universe, watched hordes of people die in Dalek fire, had your friend turned into a cyberman, and another, and another. When did you walk a woman into the hands of a nutcase who took her ability to have children? Have you sat in a field of blood that you made, known people see you as a monster? Seen a child sacrifice himself for the world! When were your friends torn from you by your own people more than once? Did your children burn with all of your family? Don't pretend you can ever understand" The Doctor's tone went from angry, to despair, to just bitterness and scorn.

They all stared at her in that way she hated like she was something otherworldly, but not a magic hero. A vengeful creature.

"Doctor?" Graham said, tone and body neutral.

"Nope, Not The Doctor right now. Not sure who I am, but guess I'm just me. Huh, guess that's why she's been using that name." Tears rolled down her face hot and Then The Doctor collapsed on the floor the world going dark.

* * *

She woke up with Yaz sitting next to her.

"How mad are they?" The Doctor said to the ceiling.

"You told them, losing their wife and mother didn't count as a loss. Then kind of told us you've killed people. We're all a bit miffed." Yaz said sarcasm dripping.

"Yeah, that makes sense."

"Doctor I know you were in pain, but you can't lash out at us. We're your friends, you said we were your family."

"I know I did, you are my best friends. I mean that I do. I shouldn't have said what I did, it was wrong."

"If you talk to me before it got too big to handle maybe it would be better."

"Right try that next time."

"Not to mention you lied. You said that one bottle was nothing but you blacked out."

"That wasn't just the drinking, it was that I hadn't slept in way too long."

"Why?"

"It's louder when I sleep?"

"What is?"

"The screaming."

After resting on Yaz's orders she found Ryan and Graham using a gaming machine and library book respectively.

"I'm sorry." The Doctor said, "I'm so, so, sorry."

"I know that loss can make you act like a jerk Doctor, but you're the one who says to let it make you a better person," Graham said.

"Yes, I don't follow my own advice enough."

"Like using weapons when you say we can't?" Ryan asked.

"Rule one, The Doctor lies." The Doctor muttered to herself.

"That's not a good rule, I prefer don't wander off," Ryan said, looking pointedly at the screen.

"It was what my Bowtie face always said, Well more so what River said about me. But I was unfair, and I'm sorry. I know losing your wife hurts Graham, all of mine are dead. One comparatively recently and I know it hurts."

He nodded she turned to Ryan, " My people don't have mothers in exactly the same sense, and the people I call my grannies it's wasn't the same as yours. My family weren't exactly my biggest fans either. I should never have pretended it didn't matter. I'm so sorry"

He nodded.

"I didn't lie when I told you I carry them with me. I didn't say that sometimes it's too much. And I've done things I'm not proud of, but I have to be better than that, I have to try my best to be The Doctor. And I can't let it hurt the people I care about when I fail."

They both nodded.

"If you want me to take you home I can" She offers pointing her thumb behind her.

"No Doctor, we had one fight." Ryan said, "that's not the end of this."

"Doc, you're stuck with us for a while yet. But I think we should talk more yes?"

The Doctor nodded and turned around. She couldn't help going to Bill's room, and Nardole's saying her silent goodbyes again. Turning off the ache and noise was hard, she would just have to hide it better again.


End file.
